Why the Hell Did I Get Breast Implants?
My “Before” Picture
The Early Years
I grew up being the ugly, skinny girl. I was as skinny as they come, had a boy’s name, freckles, and was as flat chested as a girl could be. My curly hair was kept very short by my mom in order to manage its chaos. Everyone always thought I was a boy.
I was also the “dumb kid” that went to Special Ed. No matter how hard I worked, I still could not do well in school. I recall being called to read out loud and I almost would throw up. I would try to follow with my finger and literally a teacher would hit my hand with a ruler.
This went on into junior high, which was not a highlight of growing up either. I was not the popular one.
I wasn’t good at academics or sports.
I felt so insecure about my body.
I was stupid.
I recall wanting to ask questions all the time to try and understand, but feeling so afraid because I’d be perceived as dumb and kids would laugh. So I just didn’t ask, which meant there was a lot I didn’t understand. I was bullied and teased over many things, which is a story for another time.
My Rebellious Stage
My husband and I
At age 15 I went into a rebellious stage. Honestly it was a blessing, because it was in this stage that I met my husband. He was much older than me, but he was the “cool dude.” It was love at first sight. For the first time, I felt loved by another person other than my family. But even though I felt loved, I had developed the worst insecurities with my body image and with myself overall. So while I felt totally loved, I also felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I had no clue how to deal with any of these emotions, so I just shut off the feelings and ignored them. This went on for years.
As an Adult
Well into my 20s and 30s, I was continuing to just shove all my emotions down. Instead of looking inward, I poured myself into my four beautiful daughters and amazing. Doing that made my feel loved. It made me feel like I was good at something for the first time in my entire life. I was super mom, super wife!
But I still felt lost and didn’t know what to do.
Moving to the US (aka another planet!)
In 2007, my family and I moved from Canada to the United States, to the great state of Texas, so my husband could pursue his dream career. Holy hell, I didn’t know what I signed up for! I never knew at the time it was going to feel like moving to a different planet. This put me into a hard spin adding to my loneliness and all my insecurities. I literally remember just hating myself, and not understanding why, when I had “so much going for me.” I pushed through these times because of my amazing girls and husband.
In late 2007, I decided to join a gym. It was incredibly stressful for me to put myself out there- to meet other people and connect with people—but I knew I needed to do something. I started hitting the treadmill every day which greatly improved my health and fitness, but didn’t help me meet other people.
Eventually I was pulled into group fitness class by the person who ran it. Stomach hurting, legs trembling, and feeling like I might faint, I rocked it in the back row for a long time. I still felt insecure, but I was having fun. That year I lost 50 lbs.
When I traveled back to Canada a year after our move and 50 lbs lighter, friends and family were amazed with how my appearance had changed. Everyone kept complimenting me. While I felt a little more secure, inside I still felt like the 200lb girl, and no amount of compliments filled my cup.
Becoming that Crazy Gym Person
The next couple of years I worked out consistently 6 days a week. I was that Crazy Gym Person. While my body changed drastically, my feelings about myself did not. On the outside I had the confidence to wear a bikini and knew I looked fit, but on the inside I still hated myself. I focused that hate on my chest, which had gotten even flatter with my weight loss. I remember telling my husband that maybe I should get implants, that I could control how much muscle I was building but I couldn’t make my boobs any bigger. So many people at the gym I went to got implants, and I thought “if I just had boobs, man I would feel so beautiful, and my body would look so great!”
My husband actually discouraged me to get implants, but at the end he supported me…
Stay tuned for the rest of my story!